Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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