420 ftw
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
