Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
did you just send me my own nude
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
