If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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