We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
