An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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