Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
