Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
