i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
