I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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