His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
