just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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