8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
