I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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