I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize