He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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