I'm so fucking centered right now
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
