I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
