I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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