I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
