This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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