You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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