I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
