i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
