shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
