I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
