Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
True strength comes from lack of pants
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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