I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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