Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
