I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She's the barista slut.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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