is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
