So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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