he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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