I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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