fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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