3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
