Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
