Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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