my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
