the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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