Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
