I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
