Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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