My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
