Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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