I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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