It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
