did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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