More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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