I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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