i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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