hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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