so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
