Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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