filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
