for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
