It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
