My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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