dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize