Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
