why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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