I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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