I CAN MOONWALK!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
