And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
