I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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