Cold hands, warm shart.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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