Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
