I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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