last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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