i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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